Mediation is not divvying up a pie.
For me, mediation is the process of shifting a conflict from a power struggle to an opportunity for both parties to identify what’s most important to them, and work together to find solutions that honor both sides. This is also known as “expanding the pie” - I always want more pie, so this makes intuitive sense to me.
What are the circumstances that create a successful mediation?
The experience of conflict can often shut down the creative parts of our brain that see opportunities rather than a brick wall. That’s where I come in. My job as your mediator is to create a space and structure that allows for productive communication, increased understanding and creative solutions to your dispute.
I did my mediation training with Gary Friedman and Catherine Connor through The Center for Understanding in Conflict. They developed a model where the two sides in a dispute work together, with guidance, to find an agreement - even in big, consequential disputes like divorces and business breakups.
The process is called “proceeding by agreement,” which gives both parties an equal say in determining the final outcome (rather than relying on an external authority like a judge). Its success relies on both sides having all of the same information and working in real time to come up with a plan that gives to both, instead of taking from one to give to the other.
The mediator’s role is to facilitate and guide, not manipulate or leverage one party’s wishes against the other’s. In other words, it’s not a scramble for each side’s “bottom line”. It’s a process to define and honor what’s important to each party, and develop a resolution that maintains each side’s integrity. It can be done!
Would you like the opportunity to work out your conflict by yourselves?
This seems like a trick question, I know. If you could work out your conflict amongst yourselves, you wouldn’t be Googling “mediation conflict help” in the middle of the night. However, I believe, given the right circumstances, we are all capable of working through conflict in a meaningful, productive way.
For those looking to mediation for a judge without the robe, this isn’t the model for you. In the understanding-based model, we are all equals and the ultimate decisions get made in a collaborative process…by you, not me.
My role is to ensure that all parties are heard, that the most important issues are clarified by each and that we view the conflict and possible resolutions with open eyes. Each party needs to show up ready to engage, listen and [warning: cliché coming] think outside the box.
I mediate a wide range of family, business, workplace, civil and community conflicts that can benefit from collaborative resolution. If you’re involved in a dispute, let’s talk about whether mediation would be a good fit.
What to expect when I’m your mediator:
No caucusing.
From the very first phone call to drafting a final mediation agreement, all communication will be with both parties present (or cc’ed, as the case may be). It is my practice to not have separate, private conversations with either party.
Parties decide.
I am not a judge. While I will share my insights and ideas about the most productive process and ask many clarifying questions as I guide the process, I will not decide on the best resolution to the conflict. Instead, it’s my practice to facilitate parties reaching their own solutions that honor what’s important to both.
Confidentiality.
All communication within a mediation is confidential. We all agree to this before a mediation begins.
I am not a lawyer.
I will not (and cannot) offer legal advice. When legal guidance is necessary, I can refer parties to relevant attorneys. Lawyers can act as independent consultants or advocates for either or both parties, or be hired as a neutral source of information in service of the mediation.
Other professionals might be needed.
Some disputes require subject-area expertise by outside professionals. Some examples are accountants, mental health professionals, or business consultants, among others. These professionals may be invited to participate in the mediation process, either in a session or to provide a written report for all to see.
P.S. Mediation might not be a good fit.
There are many reasons that mediation is the right option for many disputing parties, however, there are also some reasons it might not be. Both parties have to be willing to engage in the process in good faith, and be in the same room together (whether that’s an actual room or a Zoom room). Both parties must also feel that I’m a good fit to guide the process, and that I can be a positive neutral for both sides. I also reserve the right to decline a mediation.